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“So what’s your favorite color?”
“What do you do for work?”
“What are some fun facts about you?”
“What do you like to do for fun?”
Welp…that sucked. You used to know every single detail about the person you thought you’d spend your life with. And now you’re discussing your favorite color with a complete stranger. You’re back to square one, beginning to date again after a breakup.
It’s safe to say that the dating world is crazy nowadays. There are hundreds of dating apps out there, from Tinder for a casual hookup; Hinge for serious dating; Bumble if you want to make the first move, ladies; Farmers Only (it explains itself); and more — the possibilities seem endless.
But what if you’re not into dating apps? What then? If you’re navigating the dating world again and don’t know where to start, here are some tips that have helped me.
Find yourself first
This is the time to step back and realize what you want in a relationship. Are you happy with who you are — with your career, physical and mental health, friendships, family relationships, etc.? Do you want to work on anything? How can you be better first for yourself and eventually for your next partner?
Take your sweet time
Friendly reminder that it isn’t a race to find your next beau.
I waited two whole years to go on dates until I felt fully ready to open my heart up again to somebody. There was a lot to process for me after dating someone for almost seven years. Even when I was asked out on a date, I declined, telling the guy it wasn’t fair to him if I wasn’t mentally fully ready.
Take the weeks, months, or even years you need to heal from your previous relationship because you want to feel brand new for whomever is lucky enough to have you in the future. And don’t settle for the bare minimum. Know your worth and make sure your next partner does, too.
Don’t compare your possible future to your past
It never helps. Medium.com has some great advice for how you can stop comparing your ex with your future partner. If your best friend was doing the same, wouldn’t you deter them? Wouldn’t you roll your eyes, tell them to “snap out of it,” and make them realize the potential they have right in front of them? So why aren’t you telling yourself that?
Your ex is in your past for a reason, so don’t look in the rearview mirror or turn around to look for them. The past is a lesson, and you’ve definitely learned from it. Every person you date makes you realize what you want (or don’t want) to have in the future.
Don’t depend on someone else to “fix” you
This is the time to focus on what you want in a future relationship and possible marriage. What do you look for in an individual? Do you have specific standards? Do you feel safe with this person, like they’re your home? How would you want to grow with this special someone? Do they make you a better person?
Say it with me: nobody needs to validate you. Because deep down you know you’re worthy of love.
Be aware of different communication styles
Remember — it may take awhile for some people to respond to your messages. Maybe they are not as attached to their phone, or they’re too busy at work that they haven’t been able to check their phone. So don’t get in your head and overthink!
Do have fun
You thought your most recent relationship would last forever. Dating in general has its perks and downsides. So take things easy this time around and see what you want in a future lover. This is when you can test the waters and create new and meaningful connections.
My motto has lately been, “You’re single, so play the field!”
Be on the same page before moving forward with someone
I believe we have all experienced what’s called the infatuation stage. This is when your mind isn’t thinking clearly. You believe this person is “perfect”; nothing could be wrong with them. When you’re infatuated, you can overlook red flags that you would not accept while thinking cognitively.
So please, make sure you two are on the same page. You don’t want to be attached to them when they don’t feel the same way about you. That’s hard to hear (or read), but it’s the cold hard truth. And I’m just looking out for you, my friend.
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The most important thing is to be your authentic self. Showcase your fun personality. Laugh with your real laugh. State your values and beliefs. Why? Because all these wonderful things make you, well, wonderfully you.
Be open to the feeling of love once again. You never know — your next date could be the first chapter to your happily ever after. Because when something ends, something else can begin.
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