Read

“Leaving Behind What We Think We Want”

Published:
April 4, 2024
February 27, 2019
Read this reflective narrative about following God's plan by listening to the nudges toward grace.

The 30-foot windows that encased the rooftop restaurant of a fancy downtown Los Angeles building gave me the ability to see for miles. It was the summer of my junior year in college, and I had landed an internship at Fox Sports. The 2009 Lakers won the championship that year, so the company arranged a rooftop viewing party of the parade for the hometown victors. The atmosphere was celebratory, professional, and posh — everything I dreamed parties like this would be like.

It might have been the sweeping views of the LA skyline or simply a break from my mundane internship duties, but something allowed me to experience some inner silence that allowed my mind to rest and my heart to speak. As I looked out at the city, with the excitement of the celebration still swirling around me, I found my heart wandering. Could it be possible that the work I dreamed of doing since I was a kid was the wrong fit?

The truth that came to the surface as I let the question ruminating in my mind make my hands cold and my beer warm. I snapped back into the cheery atmosphere of the party, chalking up my experience to a moment of overthinking.

As the weeks went on, the question that came to me at the restaurant continued to surface. Here I was, at one of the top television markets in the country, working at a great internship, yet I was questioning it all. It was not that the work was inherently bad — in fact, it was exciting and challenging. Yet, there was an undeniable feeling that this might not be where I was being called.

I was so obsessed with the idea of being a television personality that I inadvertently ignored the courageous questions in my heart that were firing off like distress signals calling for my attention. What happens when your gifts and talents match a job, but your heart and passion just don't want to cooperate?

I shared my frustration with one of my spiritual mentors: “Why do I have to feel this? Can’t I just be normal like everyone else and not question everything?” He kindly chuckled, leaned in, and gently said, “Why are you running away from the very thing you long for?”

It has been more than a decade since I lived this significant moment in my career. In the last few years, I have built enough courage not to follow my initial instincts and run away from the questions of the heart. I can now recognize the sneaky feeling I had at the rooftop restaurant as a nudge toward grace. These nudges are not the same as the feelings that accompany cold feet or mediocrity. Rather, they are invitations to be available to what love was beckoning me to become.

Following the nudges toward grace is one of the most vulnerable choices I have made. It required me to suspend my preconceived notions of what I thought I wanted in the hope I’ll discover something more honest, loving, and true. Trusting that a hunch, a tug of the heart, or a deeper longing can be more than mere inconvenience is risky, but hidden within these movements is the capacity to point me toward something deeply authentic. What follows might be messy, but it's true. Uncomfortable, yet inescapable. Risky, while also undeniably freeing. Such is the nature of sacred things.

I continue to be a student of these nudges toward grace. It’s not easy to seek what glimpses of grace I might be able to catch, and then hold what comes to the surface with open tenderness.  When fear takes hold, it helps now and then to take a view from the top, to let the big picture expand the narrow scope of vision it takes to get through my day-to-day life and see from a different perspective. From this place I have been surprised to find that what I have been seeking has been seeking me the whole time.

Creators:
Christian Santa Maria
Published:
April 4, 2024
February 27, 2019
On a related note...
Cafe Offers Healing For Recovering Women

Cafe Offers Healing For Recovering Women

Grotto

Holding Onto God’s Unfailing Love — Even Through Terminal Illness

Holding Onto God’s Unfailing Love — Even Through Terminal Illness

Catherine Griffin

Forgiving Your Parents for Past (or Present) Hurts

Forgiving Your Parents for Past (or Present) Hurts

Dr. Daniel, Bethany Meola

‘Real+True’ — A New Platform Bringing Depth to Your Feed

‘Real+True’ — A New Platform Bringing Depth to Your Feed

Grotto Shares

Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Does Everything Happen for a Reason?

Jessica Mannen Kimmet

Connecting With the Gentle Giants of the Ocean

Connecting With the Gentle Giants of the Ocean

Lauren Fritz

Voices of Synod 2018 | Brian Rhude

Voices of Synod 2018 | Brian Rhude

Grotto

How I Made a Major Life Decision Without Stressing About It

How I Made a Major Life Decision Without Stressing About It

Sophie Caldecott

Why Bother Reading the Bible?

Why Bother Reading the Bible?

Coty Miller

Priests Visiting the Sick are ‘Saints Next Door’

Priests Visiting the Sick are ‘Saints Next Door’

Grotto Shares

Why It Was So Hard to Watch the Notre Dame Fire

Why It Was So Hard to Watch the Notre Dame Fire

Emily Mae Mentock

How and Why to Detach from Consumerism

How and Why to Detach from Consumerism

Ashley Adamczyk

Pope Francis's Challenge to Fake News and Our Role in It

Pope Francis's Challenge to Fake News and Our Role in It

Grotto

Good and Decent S2|E4: From Old to New

Good and Decent S2|E4: From Old to New

Grotto

Preparing for a Job Interview? These Improv Skills Can Help

Preparing for a Job Interview? These Improv Skills Can Help

Anna White

Getting Out of the Sea of Sorries

Getting Out of the Sea of Sorries

Ellie Maxwell

What It Takes to Be a Chef on the Rise

What It Takes to Be a Chef on the Rise

Grotto

3 Saints to Turn to During the Pandemic

3 Saints to Turn to During the Pandemic

Ken Hallenius

How Do You Get A Job?

How Do You Get A Job?

Grotto

What a Martyred Priest Can Teach Us About Advent This Year

What a Martyred Priest Can Teach Us About Advent This Year

Elizabeth Hansen

newsletter

We’d love to be pals.

Sign up for our newsletter, and we’ll meet you in your inbox each week.